Why waste so much time debating politics when DOGS NEED BEER, TOO?
Canines across our great country have been deprived of malt beverages for too long. Studies show that the major breweries have conspired to deprive our beloved pooches of their mass-produced, sweet elixir. There can be no justice until our friendly fellow fidos escape the breweries' insidious discrimination. As patriots, we must unite and, if necessary, bear arms against these tyrannical capitalists. We cannot rest until all dogs can freely, without the fear of persecution or retaliation, imbibe a tall, cool brew, whether it be in the privacy of his own home or in the plain view of his public domain.
I am Sir Constantine Archibald, the founder and President of "Canines Need Beer," an Illinois-based, not-for-profit organization*. We are the nation's foremost advocate of dogs' inherent rights of equal access to beer. Please join our noteworthy crusade now! For a mere pittance (a small $20.00 contribution), you can exercise your inalienable right as an American to support our admirable cause. Join now and fight for fido's right to slurp a smooth sudzy!
Samuel Adams, one of our Nation's revered founding fathers, was a brewer and a Patriot. His dog, Juan Domiquez of Madrid, drank beer daily. Although you may not be a brewer, I am certain you are a Patriot. Follow Sam's commendable example: Give your dog beer today and every day! By contributing toward our campaign, you will cast a financial vote in favor of equality, justice, and the American Way of Life.
Dogs are Americans, too. They deserve beer.
- Sir Constantine Archibald
(Had too much to drink, DAWG?)
*This is not real. But if you are convinced that this organization does exist, I've got some great swamp land down in Florida I could sell you.