$27 Snap On Face

It's not what you think. It's not a Halloween mask. I don't think it's the face you wear in public to hide your real persona. Nor the alter ego that hides you from yourself in those internet forums. In fact, I've never figured out what the hell a $27 Snap on Face actually is.

Well, that's not technically correct. While I may not understand what a "snap on face" is, I do know that the "$27 Snap On Face" was a '70s band from Northern California. More specifically, it was my uncle's band.

The Snap On Face released one album in 1977 called "Heterodyne State Hospital" on the independent label, Heterodyne Records. The cover features the band (my uncle is second from left, on the walker) posing as patients of the fictitious Heterodyne State (Mental) Hospital. The back cover reveals additional photos of the band in their asylum poses, faces and limbs contorted and wacky. Politically correct it ain't. Funny? Well, reasonable minds could differ. Personally, I find it hilarious.

These guys were seriously crazy. Well, as one reviewer suggests, "they weren't really asylum inmates (perhaps quite a damaged crew, but not certifiable)." A recent article about the band, verified by my mom, describes their seemingly insane antics in concert: "Onstage, the band lived up to their self-created persona as mentally disturbed individuals by dousing themselves in ketchup, lighting stage props on fire and, at one show christened 'Jacques Cousteau's 25th Annual Toga Party,' performing in a homemade bathysphere on a stage littered with helium-balloon fish." Sounds pretty fuckin' nuts to me. Not surprisingly, mom insists they were very good entertainers and a lot of fun to watch.

I was too young to ever see the band work their magic. I have fond memories, however, of listening to the album as a young child. In fact, I was -- and remain -- in awe of my Uncle Bob and his insane asylum posse. The album itself was cool. Not your standard dark vinyl. This album was blue. A fuckin' blue album. How cool is that?

Some additional links to articles about their album: here and here.

Musically, I love the $27 Snap On Face. Their sound was actually fairly straightforward pop/rock with a few alternative gems thrown in for good measure. My only complaint? On a few tracks, the lyrics could have used some enhancement. If I recall correctly, one of the catchier songs, "Let's Have an Affair," was fairly uninspired lyrically:

Hey, Baby, Let's have an affair

It makes no difference if it's here or there

Hey, Baby, it looks like you could

It may not last long, but its gonna be good

And the very wacky "Tie Your Boots Tight:"

Tie your boots tight

Tie your boots tight, buddy

Tie them up good (as tight as you can)

WTF? Well, what more can you expect from five dudes who made the Looney Tunes seem pretty fuckin' sane?

Another cool thing? My uncle's guitar. It was beautiful natural wood and carved in the shape of a dollar sign. I wish I had a picture of his unique axe. In fact, I'll email him, and if he sends a pic, I'll amend this post to share his pride and joy with everyone.

Oh, and one more cool thing: this record is apparently considered a rare collectable. One site lists it for sale at $125. Another one wants $100. Not bad for an album which, when originally pressed, didn't sell all 1,000 copies.

Now, if only I could sell my CDs at anywhere near $100 a pop . . . Of course, instead of relying on MySpace, I might need to start dousing myself in ketchup, lighting stage props on fire and, at a show christened 'Jacques Cousteau's 25th Annual Toga Party,' perform in a homemade bathysphere on a stage littered with helium-balloon fish.

I'm sure folks would pay some good coin to see that.

I Can Has More Kofee?

It's Sunday morning. I can has more Kofee?

How to Change Guitar Strings

Nary a week passes without some want-wit accosting me for advice about changing guitar strings. To better accommodate the guitar-string-changing public, I will therefore outline the basic steps comprising this simple procedure.

Step 1. Name Your Guitar. This initial step is essential and separates the the neophyte from the pro. The meek amateur hasn't the gusto to name his axe. Whereas the confident player struts upon the stage, trusty companion strapped upon him, boldly espousing the virtues of his named compadre.

Only the feeble-minded would ignore this step. After all, your guitar is your friend. And changing your entire set of guitar strings is akin to undressing your guitar. So, ask yourself, "When was the last time I undressed a friend whose name I didn't even know?" (Okay, perhaps some of you should not answer that question).

B.B. King's favorite guitar was named "Lucille." I call mine "Super Fly."

Behold "Super Fly":

Step 2. Grab a Tasty Friend.

Perhaps this should be Step 1.

Anyway, changing the strings will take a while. You don't want to get thirsty. So, grab a friendly beer, or two.

Step 3. Assemble Your Tools.

From the top (approximately 11 o'clock), counter-clockwise: (i) Guitar tuner, (ii) Wire cutter, (iii) New set of strings (choose your gauge wisely), (iv) String winder, and (v) Kazoo.

Step 4(a). Do It. Undress Your Friend. In the guitar context, this is done by loosening the strings with your tuning keys, turning them until the strings are sufficiently slack to slip out of the erect tuning peg and off of the nut.

(Huh, huh . . . he said, "Erect.")

When the strings eventually come off, they will attract special visitors, who want to play with you and your strings.

My visitor was not helpful.

I digress.

So, at this point, your trusty friend should be naked:

(Note the whiskers of my unhelpful visitor, right.)(I know, I know: The wood floor needs refinishing. I'd have the money to get it done, if I didn't spend all my extra cash on guitars.)

Note: some guitar aficionados would cringe upon my removal of all the strings, which reduces the pull upon the neck. They fear this could lead to unhealthy warping of the neck. Fear not. The axe will be re-clothed quickly. Tension will be restored without undo delay. No need to incite a widespread panic.

Step 4(b). Clean Your Nude Friend. It's a great opportunity to do it. So, just do it. With the strings removed, you can easily penetrate those otherwise hard-to-reach places.

Just be sure to use a mild detergent solution on the lacquer. Be especially cautious with the wood fretboard: Here's some fretboard tips from another site.

Step 5. Grab Another Tasty Friend.

I warned you this would take some time. Fear not the flavor, my main man. Quench the thirst.

Step 6. Put Your Clothes Back On. Thread the strings through the retaining tailpiece, over the bridge, and through the tuning peg. (Note the detachable tailpiece, which is another hazard of removing all the strings. Fear not, Guitar Gods. I will obey your commandment: Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Tailpiece).

Use the proper method to minimize slippage at the peg. It's too involved to explain. So, just do it.

The YouTube video, below, illustrates the proper technique at the peg. (Please note: this method assumes a Gibson-style peg, which is the most common. Fender-style pegs will require a similar, but different, method. Don't fret: I know this post will be wildly popular. So, for my encore, I'll add similar instructions using my Fender Stratocaster.)

To make life easier, remember to use the string winder.

It's the little things that make life so enjoyable.

Step 7. Recoup. Wow, that was exhausting. See Step 2 (which should actually be Step 1) and Step 5.

Step 8. Time for a Haircut. At this point, the hair is looking a bit unkempt:

Use your wire-cutters to do the deed:

Ahh, that's much more presentable:

Step 9. Tune Your Trusty Companion. Now that you've cleaned and dressed your amigo, it's time to add the finishing touches: The smell-good. Cologne or perfume, depending on the gender of your strap-on member. You accomplish this with a tuner.

Some Guitar Freaks out there can tune by ear. Good for them. I can do that too, but I prefer the reliable and easy method of plugging my axe into a magical box that tells me when I'm good to go.

Don't be a pretentious chump -- use a tuner.

Also, don't throw away the cover that came with your package of strings. Put it in your guitar case. Why? Well, admit that you are a guitarist: you will eventually forget the gauge of string you put on your guitar. When you break a string, you'll simply retrieve the cover, enabling you to find a suitable replacement of similar thickness. And remember: it's the thickness, not the length, that really matters. (Note the info in the upper right-hand corner of the package.)

Step 10(a). Pump Up the Volume. Once you've achieved proper tunage -- implementing the correct methods and devices -- no barrier on the face of our grand planet should prevent you from plugging your axe into the nearest amplification system. No force of nature can withstand your natural inclination to RAWK hard. Therefore, find the Good Amp and plug in.

Of course, mine goes to eleven.

Step 10(b). RAWK Hard.

(Ten extra points for anyone who can tell me which two chords I'm playing in the above pics.)

And don't forget to invite your other friends:

Also, don't discriminate. Drums are friends, too:

A word of caution: All hell will break loose when The Party finally arrives.

So, never forget to invite your kazoo.

Step 11. See Step 2, Step 5, and Step 7.

This post just had to go to eleven.

Dogs Need Beer, Too!

Why waste so much time debating politics when DOGS NEED BEER, TOO?

Canines across our great country have been deprived of malt beverages for too long. Studies show that the major breweries have conspired to deprive our beloved pooches of their mass-produced, sweet elixir. There can be no justice until our friendly fellow fidos escape the breweries' insidious discrimination. As patriots, we must unite and, if necessary, bear arms against these tyrannical capitalists. We cannot rest until all dogs can freely, without the fear of persecution or retaliation, imbibe a tall, cool brew, whether it be in the privacy of his own home or in the plain view of his public domain.

I am Sir Constantine Archibald, the founder and President of "Canines Need Beer," an Illinois-based, not-for-profit organization*. We are the nation's foremost advocate of dogs' inherent rights of equal access to beer. Please join our noteworthy crusade now! For a mere pittance (a small $20.00 contribution), you can exercise your inalienable right as an American to support our admirable cause. Join now and fight for fido's right to slurp a smooth sudzy!

Samuel Adams, one of our Nation's revered founding fathers, was a brewer and a Patriot. His dog, Juan Domiquez of Madrid, drank beer daily. Although you may not be a brewer, I am certain you are a Patriot. Follow Sam's commendable example: Give your dog beer today and every day! By contributing toward our campaign, you will cast a financial vote in favor of equality, justice, and the American Way of Life.

Dogs are Americans, too. They deserve beer.

- Sir Constantine Archibald

(Had too much to drink, DAWG?)

*This is not real. But if you are convinced that this organization does exist, I've got some great swamp land down in Florida I could sell you.